Breathe.

It’s interesting to me that I’ve been feeling more emotional in the past few weeks than I felt all of last year. As I’m entering this “survivorship” phase, it’s quite overwhelming.

Anxiety, so much anxiety. Exhaustion. Anger. Depression. Stress. Guilt. More exhaustion.

I know, I know. I’m done with treatment and I’m going to be fine. So everything *should* be great!! (I hate the word “should,” by the way).

Well, I do think things will be fine. But I also think it’s going to take me a while to get there. I think the only way I’ve survived this last year is by essentially being in denial most of the time. It allowed me to just do what I needed to do to get through all those treatments. I don’t think I’ve even started to process everything I’ve gone through. I’ve recently started talking with a therapist to help me navigate all these emotions. She is wonderful and has been so helpful. 🙌🏻

Now that I’m done with treatment, and I’m fully vaccinated 👏🏻, I’m wanting to go out and do things. But my body isn’t ready. Our good friends had a birthday party for their son last weekend. I so badly wanted to go, and felt like I could do it. We stayed for a few hours, the kids had a blast, and I was so glad to be there to celebrate. But I paid the price when I got home and I literally couldn’t get out of bed the rest of the day. I was so drained. Mentally and physically.

Today I was so excited to actually go inside Target and walk around (I missed Target so much 😛 – we’ve been doing drive-up orders during the pandemic). I had to leave after 15 minutes because I wasn’t feeling great and I was so incredibly exhausted. Not to mention there was a guy walking around without a mask, despite Target’s mask rule. Makes me so mad.

I know I will continue to do too much too soon. It’s just who I am. I’m done with treatment so I want to be able to do anything I want!! But I need to take baby steps. I just finished treatment last week. The doctor said it may take at least a month or two to start feeling like myself again.

I know this is temporary. And hopefully over the next few months I can figure out a pace of what works for me. I just need to be patient (I’m not a patient person lol).

This quote always makes me feel better. Regardless of what you’re going through, anyone else forget to breathe sometimes? ❤️