Life after cancer

I’ve been done with treatment for 6 weeks and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

I am grateful for my health. Enjoying the sweet and silly moments with Eric and the kids. But also anxious. Pissed off. Depressed. Searching for meaning in life. 🤔😆 Looking for signs of what I want to do next – do I want to go back to teaching? A few months ago my answer was yes without a doubt. Now? Well, I just don’t know.

I had my first annual routine mammogram on Thursday. (It was the first one since before surgery last year.) It was incredibly stressful and I definitely had a panic attack in the waiting room, but the most important thing is that the results were good. 😊😊😊No evidence of cancer. 👏🏻

I wish the doctors had prepared me more for what that mammogram would be like though. I thought it would be a screening mammogram where they take some images and then I’d be done. I didn’t realize it would be a diagnostic mammogram, where the radiologist immediately looks at the images while you wait in the waiting room, and if there is any question or concern, you have to go back in to get more images taken. Well, of course they needed more images for me. (Turned out to be nothing but there were two spots that needed a closer look.)

Side note- I will never understand why people decide to be mammogram technicians if they clearly have no compassion for others. I understand that technicians are not supposed to share what they’re seeing on the scans, but you know what they can and should do?

Smile. Use a kind voice. Tell me it’s COMMON to have to take more images, (especially if it’s the first mammogram since surgery so obviously things look different.) Recognize that I’m nervous and validate that what I’m feeling is normal. Distract me! Tell me about your kids. Your pets. The weather. I don’t care. ANYTHING to get my mind off the stress of the scan.

If there’s one thing cancer has taught me, it’s to speak up for myself. I had 2 appointments after the mammogram (followups with the surgeon and oncologist) and I told them both how upset I was about the mammogram experience. About the awful technician but also that I wasn’t prepared enough for what it would be like. Somebody should have gone over what to expect with me.

I think doctors forget sometimes that cancer patients are people. Not just a diagnosis. People. People who have gone through hell and back and just need a little extra handholding (ok, metaphorical handholding, in a covid world 😜). We need reassurance. We need acknowledgment. We need kindness.

Turns out today is National Cancer Survivors Day. I wrote this whole blog post before I found that out, and then immediately felt guilty for all my complaining. Because here I am, cancer free, and I’m incredibly lucky. Lucky to have found the lump when I did, lucky to have access to amazing doctors, lucky to have the support of wonderful family and friends. Lucky to be alive. I thought about deleting this whole post but I actually think it’s important that I don’t. Being a survivor is hard. Going through active treatment is hard. Being a family member of someone with cancer is hard. No matter how cancer affects you, it’s hard. As my therapist keeps telling me, you feel how you feel, and you don’t need to apologize for that.

More than anything these days I’m realizing I need to be kind to myself. I need to say how I’m really feeling. I need to not be so hard on myself. I need to prioritize my physical and emotional recovery.

Sending love to any other cancer survivors who may be reading this. ❤️