Anxiety + Depression + Survivor’s Guilt + Holidays = Total Shutdown

I may come off as completely ungrateful here, but I need to vent about this anyway. Tomorrow is Easter, and this afternoon I completely shut down. Too many expectations. I procrastinated way too long to get stuff for Easter, and my brain was at odds.

Anxious part of my brain: The kids are expecting an egg hunt Easter morning because you did one the last few years, you HAVE to go get candy to fill the eggs. You know it’ll be worth it, the kids love the egg hunt. Go to the store now. 

Depression part of my brain: I’m too tired, too overwhelmed, need to just lay here. Can’t do anything.

Survivor Guilt part of my brain: You promised yourself during chemo if you got a second chance you’d appreciate all the little moments with the family. You are so ungrateful. Get out of bed, go to the store, and just get over it.

I try not to take anything for granted these days. I know how lucky I am to be here. How lucky I am that my biggest problem today is Easter eggs. But ya know what? I’m human. Sometimes I can’t deal.

I laid in bed for a while and cried because sometimes it’s just TOO MUCH. Then I got up, and got myself a frappucino at starbucks because sometimes we have to bribe ourselves to do things. Then I went to the store and forced myself to get into Easter mode. And I know I’ll be glad I did because I do love the holidays once they’re here. I love seeing the kids’ faces light up when they look for eggs in the yard, and opening them up to see what’s inside. I love making memories as a family. It’s important to me. But I’m not going to pretend it’s always easy.

Holidays can be stressful for lots of people, for lots of reasons, so if you’re struggling, you are not alone.

Yesterday was my birthday and Mother’s Day. It had the potential to be either a really fun day, or really emotional and overwhelming.

I was 35 when I heard the words, “You have cancer.” Yesterday I turned 39. Every birthday feels like a huge milestone now. I’m here. And I’m doing well!

I got to go out to dinner with Eric on Saturday night. The weather was nice, so we sat outside on the restaurant patio. I spent yesterday with Eric, my parents, and the kids. I got to go out and spend a little time by myself, writing at a coffee shop—my favorite Sunday morning activity. The weather was beautiful in the afternoon, and we sat outside in the sunshine for Ben’s baseball game. The kids gave me the cutest cards and mother’s day gifts, and we celebrated with cupcakes and ice cream last night. It was such a nice weekend!

I don’t always see everything as clearly. Some days I get really caught up in my head. I should be feeling this, I should be doing that, what if this happens.

But today I’m feeling pure gratitude. Nothing is guaranteed and I know how damn lucky I am to be here. And how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who love me. 💗

As much as I love to write, I haven’t done much poetry, so this is waaay out of my comfort zone 😜 But I signed up for virtual Poetry Night through @gildasclubmadison last night. I got to meet @ohyouresotough and @saralou.writes, who I’ve been following on Instagram, and their art and poems have really gotten me through the last few years.

I was inspired to write this poem about some of the many things I’m grateful for. I kinda like how it came out so I thought I’d share ❤️

Have you ever noticed how many phrases and expressions there are having to do with a path or a track?

Find your way.

Get on the right path.

Stay on track.

In fact, I can think of even more that are negative.

You veered off track. You’re off the beaten path. You lost your way. You came to a fork in the road (and probably went the “wrong” way.) You got lost. You hit a roadblock. You broke down. You ran into a detour. You’re stuck.

They all seem to imply that we’re on this one path, one track, and we’re expected to just keep going until we get to the end. Don’t stop. Don’t slow down. Don’t get off. Don’t explore. Don’t change direction. Just keep going.

No wonder we’re all exhausted.

Honestly, “just keep going” is the phrase that really got me through the last few years. Didn’t know what else to do, so I just kept going.

But I’m starting to think these phrases are detrimental to my health.

Why do we have to always keep going, keep moving forward, keep making progress? There is so much pressure to do more.

Be more productive. Be more efficient. Be richer, skinnier, healthier, happier.

If life is a path, does that mean the destination is death?

And if so, why are we rushing to get there? Why can’t we veer off the path or take a break or go a different direction? Why is it bad to be stuck or lost or end up in a place you didn’t plan on going?

People say “stop and smell the roses,” which is a great reminder to pause and enjoy the beauty around us, but why do we need that reminder? Because we’re pressured to just keep going on some path without noticing much?

I love pictures of walkways and trails and boardwalks. I’ve taken so many pictures over the years of various paths.

But why do I love them so much? I’m starting to think it’s less about photography, and more about the clearly defined path in the picture. Why is it so comforting? Because I’m desperately looking for guidance and direction? Because we are told we need to find our way? We’re always trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense, so maybe these paths I enjoy give me a sense of comfort. Here is the path. Go this way.

But life isn’t really like that.

If anything, I tripped, broke my ankle, fell off the fucking path, into a ditch, and have slowly started climbing out. Only to realize I can’t find the path I was on, so now I’m lost in the woods and can’t really walk.

I’m trying to live without a path. Which is so incredibly hard, given that I like to have a plan, I like to be in control, and I like to know what’s coming next.

Love these quotes.

When Ben was one, we took him to the beach and let him walk around on the sandbar. I remember being amazed, as he toddled around with his little shovel, exploring.

I want to live more like that. 👣

What a day!

I’ve been nervous for the past week, knowing I had two checkups today. One with the surgeon and one with the oncologist.

I have appointments every 6 months, with mammograms once a year. No mammogram today, but still stressful to go in to Dana Farber for any appointment.

But luckily both appointments went well. I graduated from seeing the surgeon! They don’t need to see me anymore, since my lumpectomy site has healed well.

The oncologist had no concerns. The exam was “completely normal.”

I can’t even tell you the relief I felt afterward. I can breathe again.

The future is never guaranteed. But for today, I’m calling this a big win and I’m going to celebrate! 🎉

It’s been three years since diagnosis, and a year and a half since I finished treatment.

What a wild ride.

If anyone missed it, I started a new Instagram @sallykickscancer if you want to come find me. ❤️

When I started writing my blog in 2020, it was a practical way to update people about my treatment. I’ve always liked writing, but never considered it to be something I would do for a wider audience than just my family and friends. But as time went on, I realized how important writing is to me.

Last spring I started to write a book about my cancer experience. It started off as something small – mainly for myself as a way to process everything. But as I kept writing, I started thinking it might actually be helpful to cancer patients, or family and friends of cancer patients who want to better understand how their loved one is feeling. I’ve included some of my blog posts, but mostly it is a narrative of my experiences during and after treatment. I still have a ways to go, but when I’m done I want to try to get it published.

There are many great books out there about cancer, but I never found the right book for me. Something that would have helped me with the emotional side of cancer, not just the physical. Some books are really clinical, some are too idealistic, some are full of toxic positivity that is exhausting. My book is more down-to-earth and will hopefully help patients feel validated. And, of course, with some humor thrown in, because I feel like dark humor really got me through the worst of it. 😜

I never saw myself writing a book, but it feels right. I feel like I really have something important that I want to say. Need to say. So that’s what I’m doing! 👩🏼‍💻

(PS the Nutella banana toast at Pressed is amazing)

I joined a writing group recently! Definitely stepped out of my comfort zone because I’ve never done anything like this before, but I’m loving it. Writing has become really important to me and it feels great to be part of a group who feels the same!