Anxiety + Depression + Survivor’s Guilt + Holidays = Total Shutdown

I may come off as completely ungrateful here, but I need to vent about this anyway. Tomorrow is Easter, and this afternoon I completely shut down. Too many expectations. I procrastinated way too long to get stuff for Easter, and my brain was at odds.

Anxious part of my brain: The kids are expecting an egg hunt Easter morning because you did one the last few years, you HAVE to go get candy to fill the eggs. You know it’ll be worth it, the kids love the egg hunt. Go to the store now. 

Depression part of my brain: I’m too tired, too overwhelmed, need to just lay here. Can’t do anything.

Survivor Guilt part of my brain: You promised yourself during chemo if you got a second chance you’d appreciate all the little moments with the family. You are so ungrateful. Get out of bed, go to the store, and just get over it.

I try not to take anything for granted these days. I know how lucky I am to be here. How lucky I am that my biggest problem today is Easter eggs. But ya know what? I’m human. Sometimes I can’t deal.

I laid in bed for a while and cried because sometimes it’s just TOO MUCH. Then I got up, and got myself a frappucino at starbucks because sometimes we have to bribe ourselves to do things. Then I went to the store and forced myself to get into Easter mode. And I know I’ll be glad I did because I do love the holidays once they’re here. I love seeing the kids’ faces light up when they look for eggs in the yard, and opening them up to see what’s inside. I love making memories as a family. It’s important to me. But I’m not going to pretend it’s always easy.

Holidays can be stressful for lots of people, for lots of reasons, so if you’re struggling, you are not alone.

Yesterday was my birthday and Mother’s Day. It had the potential to be either a really fun day, or really emotional and overwhelming.

I was 35 when I heard the words, “You have cancer.” Yesterday I turned 39. Every birthday feels like a huge milestone now. I’m here. And I’m doing well!

I got to go out to dinner with Eric on Saturday night. The weather was nice, so we sat outside on the restaurant patio. I spent yesterday with Eric, my parents, and the kids. I got to go out and spend a little time by myself, writing at a coffee shop—my favorite Sunday morning activity. The weather was beautiful in the afternoon, and we sat outside in the sunshine for Ben’s baseball game. The kids gave me the cutest cards and mother’s day gifts, and we celebrated with cupcakes and ice cream last night. It was such a nice weekend!

I don’t always see everything as clearly. Some days I get really caught up in my head. I should be feeling this, I should be doing that, what if this happens.

But today I’m feeling pure gratitude. Nothing is guaranteed and I know how damn lucky I am to be here. And how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who love me. 💗

As much as I love to write, I haven’t done much poetry, so this is waaay out of my comfort zone 😜 But I signed up for virtual Poetry Night through @gildasclubmadison last night. I got to meet @ohyouresotough and @saralou.writes, who I’ve been following on Instagram, and their art and poems have really gotten me through the last few years.

I was inspired to write this poem about some of the many things I’m grateful for. I kinda like how it came out so I thought I’d share ❤️

Have you ever noticed how many phrases and expressions there are having to do with a path or a track?

Find your way.

Get on the right path.

Stay on track.

In fact, I can think of even more that are negative.

You veered off track. You’re off the beaten path. You lost your way. You came to a fork in the road (and probably went the “wrong” way.) You got lost. You hit a roadblock. You broke down. You ran into a detour. You’re stuck.

They all seem to imply that we’re on this one path, one track, and we’re expected to just keep going until we get to the end. Don’t stop. Don’t slow down. Don’t get off. Don’t explore. Don’t change direction. Just keep going.

No wonder we’re all exhausted.

Honestly, “just keep going” is the phrase that really got me through the last few years. Didn’t know what else to do, so I just kept going.

But I’m starting to think these phrases are detrimental to my health.

Why do we have to always keep going, keep moving forward, keep making progress? There is so much pressure to do more.

Be more productive. Be more efficient. Be richer, skinnier, healthier, happier.

If life is a path, does that mean the destination is death?

And if so, why are we rushing to get there? Why can’t we veer off the path or take a break or go a different direction? Why is it bad to be stuck or lost or end up in a place you didn’t plan on going?

People say “stop and smell the roses,” which is a great reminder to pause and enjoy the beauty around us, but why do we need that reminder? Because we’re pressured to just keep going on some path without noticing much?

I love pictures of walkways and trails and boardwalks. I’ve taken so many pictures over the years of various paths.

But why do I love them so much? I’m starting to think it’s less about photography, and more about the clearly defined path in the picture. Why is it so comforting? Because I’m desperately looking for guidance and direction? Because we are told we need to find our way? We’re always trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense, so maybe these paths I enjoy give me a sense of comfort. Here is the path. Go this way.

But life isn’t really like that.

If anything, I tripped, broke my ankle, fell off the fucking path, into a ditch, and have slowly started climbing out. Only to realize I can’t find the path I was on, so now I’m lost in the woods and can’t really walk.

I’m trying to live without a path. Which is so incredibly hard, given that I like to have a plan, I like to be in control, and I like to know what’s coming next.

Love these quotes.

When Ben was one, we took him to the beach and let him walk around on the sandbar. I remember being amazed, as he toddled around with his little shovel, exploring.

I want to live more like that. 👣

What a day!

I’ve been nervous for the past week, knowing I had two checkups today. One with the surgeon and one with the oncologist.

I have appointments every 6 months, with mammograms once a year. No mammogram today, but still stressful to go in to Dana Farber for any appointment.

But luckily both appointments went well. I graduated from seeing the surgeon! They don’t need to see me anymore, since my lumpectomy site has healed well.

The oncologist had no concerns. The exam was “completely normal.”

I can’t even tell you the relief I felt afterward. I can breathe again.

The future is never guaranteed. But for today, I’m calling this a big win and I’m going to celebrate! 🎉

It’s been three years since diagnosis, and a year and a half since I finished treatment.

What a wild ride.

If anyone missed it, I started a new Instagram @sallykickscancer if you want to come find me. ❤️

When I started writing my blog in 2020, it was a practical way to update people about my treatment. I’ve always liked writing, but never considered it to be something I would do for a wider audience than just my family and friends. But as time went on, I realized how important writing is to me.

Last spring I started to write a book about my cancer experience. It started off as something small – mainly for myself as a way to process everything. But as I kept writing, I started thinking it might actually be helpful to cancer patients, or family and friends of cancer patients who want to better understand how their loved one is feeling. I’ve included some of my blog posts, but mostly it is a narrative of my experiences during and after treatment. I still have a ways to go, but when I’m done I want to try to get it published.

There are many great books out there about cancer, but I never found the right book for me. Something that would have helped me with the emotional side of cancer, not just the physical. Some books are really clinical, some are too idealistic, some are full of toxic positivity that is exhausting. My book is more down-to-earth and will hopefully help patients feel validated. And, of course, with some humor thrown in, because I feel like dark humor really got me through the worst of it. 😜

I never saw myself writing a book, but it feels right. I feel like I really have something important that I want to say. Need to say. So that’s what I’m doing! 👩🏼‍💻

(PS the Nutella banana toast at Pressed is amazing)

I joined a writing group recently! Definitely stepped out of my comfort zone because I’ve never done anything like this before, but I’m loving it. Writing has become really important to me and it feels great to be part of a group who feels the same!

How do you feel about “awareness” months? Does anybody else have mixed feelings? It’s breast cancer awareness month, and I’m not really sure how to feel about that. I think people are pretty aware of breast cancer. It’s kind of embarrassing actually, the amount of awareness. There are so many other cancers that need awareness and research and support and funding, but for some reason breast cancer gets so much attention. It feels so overdone and commercialized.

Ben’s soccer team hands out pink socks every October in support of breast cancer awareness. And every October I think, why? As a breast cancer survivor, I don’t want to see pink socks all over the soccer field. It’s triggering to me, and it’s just another reminder of everything I’ve been through. Are the pink socks going to make somebody take action or donate money? I don’t know. Maybe.

Breast cancer awareness month just doesn’t feel genuine to me. It feels like some businesses are just jumping on the pink bandwagon. Who is that really helping?

In the past I’ve posted about craniosynostosis awareness month, and I feel very differently about that month. I feel like I want to educate others because craniosynostosis is so rare, and I want to celebrate my amazing cranio kid. So it’s not awareness months in general that bother me. Just “Pinktober,” as some people call breast cancer awareness month.

Curious what others are feeling about awareness months. Cancer or not – if you have an awareness month that applies to you – do you like it? Do you hate it? Do you acknowledge it? Do you think it’s doing any good? Who is it really for? 🤔

Well I finally got covid. Managed to avoid it for 2 and a half years, but let’s just say I’m not shocked I got it after being back in school last week. There are no more precautions in place at school, and some parents apparently have learned absolutely nothing from the pandemic. There were multiple kids coughing all over the place.

Maybe their parents tested them and they were negative. Maybe I didn’t get it from the kids coughing, maybe I got it from someone who had no symptoms at all. Who knows. But if your kid is coughing a lot, and doesn’t know how to cough into their elbow (I’ve never met a young kid who is good at it), maybe put a mask on the kid? Wouldn’t that be the considerate thing to do?

I’m kind of pissed today. Partly because I feel like shit, I’m feverish, I’m achy, and I have a nasty cough. And I have to miss the second week of school. But mostly because I can’t help but think if I got covid in 2020 or even 2021, I don’t know if I would have survived it. This is not just a cold. I realize some people get mild symptoms, so maybe for some it feels that way. But I’m no longer immunocompromised, and it’s bad. Imagine if I got it when I was immunocompromised. Going through chemo, or even in the year after treatment when it took so long for me to feel halfway decent again. I don’t know how well I would have fought it off.

I think about the people who are immunocompromised now. Cancer, chronic illness, whatever the reason. People who can’t afford to get covid because they have upcoming surgeries or procedures. Or people who literally can’t afford to get covid because they can’t miss a week of work. I feel for all of you.

It feels like everyone has moved on from covid. And I get that. I was SO cautious for so long, and even I am done with masks, done with precautions. I want things to be back to normal too.

But there are plenty of people who can’t move on, for various reasons. They have to stay on high alert, and it’s exhausting.

So this is for all of you who don’t have the luxury of moving on. I see you.

If any of you or your kids have a nasty cough, even if you think it’s just a cold, please test for covid and/or put a mask on, as a favor to others around you. There are many people who would be grateful if you do. ❤️