It may not seem like a big deal, but I took the kids to a playground by myself this morning. The fact that I even considered doing this is a sign that I’m improving.

(Granted it was a small playground 2 minutes from our house, we went early to avoid the heat, and we only stayed a half hour. Lol.)

But still. I DID it! Little victories. 👏🏻

Got my port taken out today! 👏🏻

I’ve had it in my chest for a year now to make chemo and immunotherapy infusions easier. But now that I’m done with treatment I don’t need it. I’ve had kind of a love/hate relationship with my port. I loved it because it meant I didn’t have to get poked a million times while nurses struggled to get an IV in my arm. (My veins are not the most cooperative). It really did make infusions SO much easier on me.

But I’ve hated having it under my skin – a constant physical reminder of the cancer. Plus, Ellie likes to jump on me and had a tendency to elbow me right in the port. 😬

So to be able to get the port taken out is really another reason to celebrate! It’s very symbolic for me. No more port = no more cancer. 😊

It’ll take a few days to recover from the procedure though. I was under conscious sedation and I’m still a little woozy from the meds at the moment. I’m definitely sore and I can’t pick up Ellie for a week or so, which she is not happy about lol.

But it’s all worth it. Another milestone for me! Cheers! 🥂

I’ve been done with treatment for 6 weeks and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

I am grateful for my health. Enjoying the sweet and silly moments with Eric and the kids. But also anxious. Pissed off. Depressed. Searching for meaning in life. 🤔😆 Looking for signs of what I want to do next – do I want to go back to teaching? A few months ago my answer was yes without a doubt. Now? Well, I just don’t know.

I had my first annual routine mammogram on Thursday. (It was the first one since before surgery last year.) It was incredibly stressful and I definitely had a panic attack in the waiting room, but the most important thing is that the results were good. 😊😊😊No evidence of cancer. 👏🏻

I wish the doctors had prepared me more for what that mammogram would be like though. I thought it would be a screening mammogram where they take some images and then I’d be done. I didn’t realize it would be a diagnostic mammogram, where the radiologist immediately looks at the images while you wait in the waiting room, and if there is any question or concern, you have to go back in to get more images taken. Well, of course they needed more images for me. (Turned out to be nothing but there were two spots that needed a closer look.)

Side note- I will never understand why people decide to be mammogram technicians if they clearly have no compassion for others. I understand that technicians are not supposed to share what they’re seeing on the scans, but you know what they can and should do?

Smile. Use a kind voice. Tell me it’s COMMON to have to take more images, (especially if it’s the first mammogram since surgery so obviously things look different.) Recognize that I’m nervous and validate that what I’m feeling is normal. Distract me! Tell me about your kids. Your pets. The weather. I don’t care. ANYTHING to get my mind off the stress of the scan.

If there’s one thing cancer has taught me, it’s to speak up for myself. I had 2 appointments after the mammogram (followups with the surgeon and oncologist) and I told them both how upset I was about the mammogram experience. About the awful technician but also that I wasn’t prepared enough for what it would be like. Somebody should have gone over what to expect with me.

I think doctors forget sometimes that cancer patients are people. Not just a diagnosis. People. People who have gone through hell and back and just need a little extra handholding (ok, metaphorical handholding, in a covid world 😜). We need reassurance. We need acknowledgment. We need kindness.

Turns out today is National Cancer Survivors Day. I wrote this whole blog post before I found that out, and then immediately felt guilty for all my complaining. Because here I am, cancer free, and I’m incredibly lucky. Lucky to have found the lump when I did, lucky to have access to amazing doctors, lucky to have the support of wonderful family and friends. Lucky to be alive. I thought about deleting this whole post but I actually think it’s important that I don’t. Being a survivor is hard. Going through active treatment is hard. Being a family member of someone with cancer is hard. No matter how cancer affects you, it’s hard. As my therapist keeps telling me, you feel how you feel, and you don’t need to apologize for that.

More than anything these days I’m realizing I need to be kind to myself. I need to say how I’m really feeling. I need to not be so hard on myself. I need to prioritize my physical and emotional recovery.

Sending love to any other cancer survivors who may be reading this. ❤️

Well I have to say this birthday was way better than last year. Granted the bar was set pretty low – last year I was getting chemo on my birthday. Wasn’t tough to beat that today. 🤣

Today was beautiful! Sunny and warm. Spent a good part of the day outside enjoying the weather. Went for a walk, ate lunch on the back deck, did some gardening. Such a nice day! 😊

Last year I wrote this:

I am cancer free! 😊 And the pandemic isn’t over but I do feel hopeful we’re finally heading in the right direction. 👍🏻

37 is off to a good start. 😄

It’s interesting to me that I’ve been feeling more emotional in the past few weeks than I felt all of last year. As I’m entering this “survivorship” phase, it’s quite overwhelming.

Anxiety, so much anxiety. Exhaustion. Anger. Depression. Stress. Guilt. More exhaustion.

I know, I know. I’m done with treatment and I’m going to be fine. So everything *should* be great!! (I hate the word “should,” by the way).

Well, I do think things will be fine. But I also think it’s going to take me a while to get there. I think the only way I’ve survived this last year is by essentially being in denial most of the time. It allowed me to just do what I needed to do to get through all those treatments. I don’t think I’ve even started to process everything I’ve gone through. I’ve recently started talking with a therapist to help me navigate all these emotions. She is wonderful and has been so helpful. 🙌🏻

Now that I’m done with treatment, and I’m fully vaccinated 👏🏻, I’m wanting to go out and do things. But my body isn’t ready. Our good friends had a birthday party for their son last weekend. I so badly wanted to go, and felt like I could do it. We stayed for a few hours, the kids had a blast, and I was so glad to be there to celebrate. But I paid the price when I got home and I literally couldn’t get out of bed the rest of the day. I was so drained. Mentally and physically.

Today I was so excited to actually go inside Target and walk around (I missed Target so much 😛 – we’ve been doing drive-up orders during the pandemic). I had to leave after 15 minutes because I wasn’t feeling great and I was so incredibly exhausted. Not to mention there was a guy walking around without a mask, despite Target’s mask rule. Makes me so mad.

I know I will continue to do too much too soon. It’s just who I am. I’m done with treatment so I want to be able to do anything I want!! But I need to take baby steps. I just finished treatment last week. The doctor said it may take at least a month or two to start feeling like myself again.

I know this is temporary. And hopefully over the next few months I can figure out a pace of what works for me. I just need to be patient (I’m not a patient person lol).

This quote always makes me feel better. Regardless of what you’re going through, anyone else forget to breathe sometimes? ❤️