Reassuring

Dear Medical Community,

Please, please, please stop using the word “reassuring” so often with your patients.

I think it comes with good intentions, but it’s not as comforting as you think it is.

I get that you don’t want to worry someone unnecessarily. But telling me that I “should feel reassured” doesn’t ever make me feel better. If anything it makes me more worried. It either implies:

▪️there is something wrong but you’re not sure what it is, or how bad it is yet

▪️there is something not quite right, but test results were normal so you don’t know how to help me feel better

▪️you sense than I’m anxious but don’t actually care enough to ask how I’m feeling or what I’m worried about

Don’t tell me how I should feel. Unless you’ve had cancer you can’t possibly know what is reassuring and what’s not.

Don’t try to keep me in the dark. Your poker face isn’t as good as you think it is. Don’t try to give me a silver lining. Don’t try to make me feel encouraged (ugh, another word that is not helpful) by one good test result when there were five other concerning test results. Don’t dismiss my concerns. Don’t sugarcoat things.

Instead, just be HONEST. And kind. And clear. VALIDATE how I’m actually feeling instead of telling me how to feel. And at least pretend like you care.

Here are some statements I’ve heard from doctors in the last 2 years, each followed by what I think would have been more helpful:

“Your mammogram was reassuring but you need to go back in for more images.”

⭐️ “Mammograms are a good screening tool but it can difficult to get a clear picture sometimes. Let’s do an ultrasound and a biopsy so we can gather more information about the lump in your breast.”

▫️▫️▫️▫️

“Your tests came back normal – you should feel reassured that your nerves are functioning normally.”

⭐️ “Your test results came back in the normal range. While that’s a good thing, I know you’re experiencing neuropathy symptoms, and it’s hard to pinpoint why. Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of what’s going on here.”

▫️▫️▫️▫️

“Your exam today was normal, which is reassuring. See you in 6 months.”

⭐️ “You said you are nervous about recurrence. It’s very common for cancer survivors to feel that way, but your chances of recurrence are very low, and your exam was completely normal today! We’ll set you up for your next mammogram in 6 months but let me know if there’s anything I can help with in the meantime.”

▫️▫️▫️▫️

No one wants to get bad news. But the only thing worse than getting bad news is trying to interpret what the doctor is really saying when they’re trying to “reassure” you by being vague.

This is why I’m SO thankful for doctors like my PCP, who is wonderful. She may not have all the answers either but she listens, she cares, and she wants to help. She actually IS reassuring, without ever using that word.