I was talking to someone the other day about my plans for the upcoming school year. They asked if I was looking for a full time teaching position for September.

I said something like, “I don’t think I’m ready to work full time – I’m just subbing a few days a week right now.”

Just subbing.

It’s true that I will be substitute teaching 3 days a week this year, like I did in the spring.

It’s also true that subbing is not what I thought I’d be doing at this stage of my career.

I’ve become aware that I say “just” way too often. I’m working with my therapist on not minimizing everything I’m doing. I’m not good at giving myself credit. I always feel like I could do more.

But you know what? Subbing is pretty hard. Going into a class, not knowing the routines, not knowing the kids, not knowing the curriculum, not knowing where things are in the classroom. It’s a challenge. I really like it, actually. (Most of the time haha). I love teaching. I love getting to know the kids in different grades.

There is nothing easy about subbing.

And yet, I said I’m “just” subbing a few days a week. Like it’s nothing.

Well, it’s not nothing. It’s actually a big deal for me, and I need to remind myself of it more often. I have a job. It’s hard, and it’s rewarding. On the days I’m at school, subbing allows me to get out of the house, and feel productive and helpful. And on the days I’m not subbing, it means I have time at home with Ellie. It means I have time to catch up on things around the house. It means I have time to prioritize my physical and emotional wellbeing. Plus it gives me time to write, which has become very important to me (more about that coming soon!)

I went through a year and a half of cancer treatment. I think I owe it to myself to try to acknowledge all I can do now. Not so long ago I couldn’t get through a day without napping.

Anybody else feel like you don’t give yourself enough credit? That you’re “just” doing this and that, as if it’s not enough? We all do so much. Being an adult right now is HARD. There is so much going on in this world, so much stress, such high expectations to do ALL THE THINGS.

Next time somebody asks me about teaching, I plan on saying that I’m working at an elementary school 3 days a week, and spending the other days focusing on myself and my family.

The word “just” doesn’t need to be in my response.

I have my annual mammogram today. I actually can’t believe a whole year has gone by – I feel like I’m still recovering from the last one. 🤣

(If you didn’t see my post from the mammogram last year – that day was awful. Uncertainty about what to expect, anxiety when they sent me back in for extra images, plus that heartless mammogram tech… It was just so much stress.)

But the important thing was that I was NED (“No Evidence of Disease” – the term they use for complete remission).

I’m hoping today will go more smoothly, since I do have a better idea of what to expect this time. Plus Eric is coming with me! I almost didn’t even think to invite him. 😆 But the visitor policy has been relaxed, and I can actually have someone there to support me! Imagine that. I went to most of my treatments alone because of Covid restrictions, so I’m so thankful he can come with me today.

The “scanxiety” is REAL. I’ve been so nervous all this past week. I just keep reminding myself of what the doctors told me after treatment: the chance of recurrence is VERY low based on the pathological complete response I had to the chemo, and the fact that no cancer cells were found in my lymph nodes during surgery, etc. Very Low. Holding on to that tight today.

Send good thoughts/prayers/NED vibes this way please!!!!

I don’t think I survived cancer.

It’s not something that’s 

over and done with.

I’ll be surviving 

for the rest of my life.

My body is healing, 

but I still feel broken.

I’m overly emotional, 

or completely numb.

I’m grateful, but angry.

Exhausted, but can’t stop.

I just keep going.

Worrying. Hoping.

Processing. Recovering.

Wondering. Exploring.

Coping. Healing.

Surviving.

It’s been a little over a year now since I had my last cancer treatment. I know I haven’t been posting much lately so I just wanted to give a quick update!

My energy level is good, and my hair has grown back (I even got a haircut!) Mentally I’m doing better too. Therapy, meds, support groups – it’s taken a LOT to get me to where I am now. A year ago I was so lost.

When you’re in active treatment (chemo, radiation etc), the doctors see you regularly. The oncology nurses treat you like royalty. Friends and family check in often. You have a plan. A course of action. You just do it.

After treatment? It’s lonely. Terrifying. Overwhelming.

One thing that has really helped me is that I started following @TheCancerPatient on Instagram, which I highly recommend. It’s funny memes, dark humor about cancer, but it’s also a really supportive community of AYA cancer patients and survivors (AYA= Adolescent and Young Adult, and although I don’t feel young 😂, technically I qualify because I was diagnosed under 40).

I’ve been busy lately, which is helping me as well. I recently started subbing at Ben’s elementary school a few days a week while Ellie is in preschool. It’s been good for so many reasons. A year ago I couldn’t even take a short trip to the store without then coming home to take a nap. Now I can teach all day, on my feet for 6 hours. Am I exhausted when I get home? You bet. But it’s a good feeling. To be exhausted because I worked hard all day – not just because I walked around Target for 15 minutes. The school where I’m subbing also happens to be the same school where I taught a few years ago as a reading tutor. So I know a bunch of the teachers fairly well from working there, and now that Ben is a student there too, I feel even more connected. Being back there has been really nice!

I just celebrated my 38th birthday this weekend. Many thanks to Eric, my parents, and the kids for making it a special day! 🎈 🧁

 

 

This may not seem like a big deal, but I took Ellie grocery shopping today. Some of you may be thinking, so what?

Well I haven’t taken her to the grocery store since I started cancer treatment in January 2020.

We used Instacart a lot during the pandemic, and even once I felt comfortable going in stores again, I barely had enough energy to shop, let alone bring one of the kids with me. I’ve started going by myself more and more as I get stronger and have more energy.

Today I wanted to pick up some things, and I asked Ellie if she wanted to go shopping with me. She said, “in the store?!” She’s only 3. It’s been a pandemic for two thirds of her life. So going shopping in the store as opposed to getting a pickup or delivery is pretty exciting. 😆

So we went shopping. Even used the fun shopping cart with the steering wheel so she could “drive.”

It’s the little things!

Dear Medical Community,

Please, please, please stop using the word “reassuring” so often with your patients.

I think it comes with good intentions, but it’s not as comforting as you think it is.

I get that you don’t want to worry someone unnecessarily. But telling me that I “should feel reassured” doesn’t ever make me feel better. If anything it makes me more worried. It either implies:

▪️there is something wrong but you’re not sure what it is, or how bad it is yet

▪️there is something not quite right, but test results were normal so you don’t know how to help me feel better

▪️you sense than I’m anxious but don’t actually care enough to ask how I’m feeling or what I’m worried about

Don’t tell me how I should feel. Unless you’ve had cancer you can’t possibly know what is reassuring and what’s not.

Don’t try to keep me in the dark. Your poker face isn’t as good as you think it is. Don’t try to give me a silver lining. Don’t try to make me feel encouraged (ugh, another word that is not helpful) by one good test result when there were five other concerning test results. Don’t dismiss my concerns. Don’t sugarcoat things.

Instead, just be HONEST. And kind. And clear. VALIDATE how I’m actually feeling instead of telling me how to feel. And at least pretend like you care.

Here are some statements I’ve heard from doctors in the last 2 years, each followed by what I think would have been more helpful:

“Your mammogram was reassuring but you need to go back in for more images.”

⭐️ “Mammograms are a good screening tool but it can difficult to get a clear picture sometimes. Let’s do an ultrasound and a biopsy so we can gather more information about the lump in your breast.”

▫️▫️▫️▫️

“Your tests came back normal – you should feel reassured that your nerves are functioning normally.”

⭐️ “Your test results came back in the normal range. While that’s a good thing, I know you’re experiencing neuropathy symptoms, and it’s hard to pinpoint why. Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of what’s going on here.”

▫️▫️▫️▫️

“Your exam today was normal, which is reassuring. See you in 6 months.”

⭐️ “You said you are nervous about recurrence. It’s very common for cancer survivors to feel that way, but your chances of recurrence are very low, and your exam was completely normal today! We’ll set you up for your next mammogram in 6 months but let me know if there’s anything I can help with in the meantime.”

▫️▫️▫️▫️

No one wants to get bad news. But the only thing worse than getting bad news is trying to interpret what the doctor is really saying when they’re trying to “reassure” you by being vague.

This is why I’m SO thankful for doctors like my PCP, who is wonderful. She may not have all the answers either but she listens, she cares, and she wants to help. She actually IS reassuring, without ever using that word.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I was thinking about how to spread awareness, and so I thought I’d share how I first discovered I had breast cancer.

Ellie was just over a year old, and I was still nursing. If you’ve ever breastfed, you know there are all sorts of pains and lumps and sensations you can feel in your breasts. So when I felt a lump, I assumed it was due to a clogged duct. It didn’t hurt though, which was odd, because clogged ducts usually are very painful. That was the first red flag. This lump didn’t hurt.

Then I noticed a little indent, like a little dimple, on my breast. I thought I was probably overreacting, but something made me call my doctor to get it checked out.

When I saw the doctor, she didn’t seem worried at first. There I was, 35 years old, healthy, busy mom of 2. Surely the lump would just be related to breastfeeding.

She asked about my family history. I do have a history of breast cancer in my family. And then I pointed out the dimple on my left breast. That’s when I saw the realization in the doctor’s eyes. She tried to hide her reaction, but I saw it. She suspected cancer. She didn’t say it out loud, but she didn’t have to. Her eyes said it for her.

From there on it’s a blur. The next few weeks consisted of multiple appointments and tests – mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, MRI, and many consults with various doctors.

Ultimately I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Her2+ Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

I wouldn’t have started getting routine mammograms until age 40. And it would have been too late.

Trust your gut. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t think it was cancer necessarily, but I knew I had to get it checked. And I’m so grateful I did.

You don’t have to wear pink or donate or sign up for a walk to raise awareness for breast cancer.

Be aware of your own body. Do monthly self exams. Get routine mammograms if you’re eligible. Trust your intuition. Advocate for yourself if you think something is wrong. You know your body best. 💗

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It’s been an exciting week around here! Ben started Kindergarten last Thursday, and Ellie started preschool today.

The kids have been home with me since covid started. I don’t regret that decision. I was immunocompromised and it was a pandemic. So we kept the kids home. But it was so hard. I was with them All. The. Time.

Now I finally have some time. Three mornings a week. It’s unbelievable really lol. This morning I went to Target to walk around. Just for fun. Because I COULD. (I may have bought a decorative pumpkin or two. You really can’t have too many cute pumpkins).

There’s a million things I need and want to do during the time Ellie’s in school. But I’m resisting the urge to try to catch up on everything all at once. So I’m proud of myself. I took some time to rest this morning. Watch TV. Drink coffee. It was amazing.

Moms aren’t good at taking “me time” or self care time. I’m really bad at it. But I’m working on it!

Now I’m going to pick up Ellie and I’m so excited to see her and see how the first day went. 😊

🍂 ✏️ 🍎 🐿 🌳 🎃 👻 🦃 🍁

Ok, technically it’s still summer, but I don’t care haha. It’s September so I’m in full fall mode over here!

Ben is starting kindergarten next week! His teacher requested a family photo so we took this one last night and I just love it. Everybody is looking at the camera AND smiling, which is a family photo miracle. 😜

(Ellie found this old hat of Ben’s and has been wearing it for like 3 days straight 🤷🏼‍♀️)

It’s been a busy summer. I’ve been slowly feeling better — fewer stomach issues, a little more energy. But I’ve had some new peripheral neuropathy (numbness and tingling and painful cold in my hands and feet) that may be related to chemo or may not. It’s odd that it came on after treatment. Usually neuropathy happens during chemo. I’ve also been having joint pain, I get lightheaded often, and I still get so tired after relatively little activity.

For a cancer patient, I’m doing great. For a 37 year old, I could be doing better. I’d like to feel my age, and right now I’m dealing with a body that is still running on empty. Long-lasting treatment side effects, post-treatment anxiety, pandemic stress, not enough time for myself, dealing with the kids 24/7.. it’s all taken a toll. So anyway I’m hopeful I can start feeling GOOD (instead of “not too bad,” which is usually how I’ve been answering when people ask how I am.) Doing some tests to see if there’s any vitamins or meds or anything that might help.

That being said, I’m only 4 months out from finishing treatment, and I need to give myself more time. The progress is happening but it’s very slow. It feels like two steps forward, one step back. But I am improving and I need to remember things will continue to get better with time.

I made the decision this summer to not pursue a teaching position for this fall. It was so hard. I was looking forward to going back to work so much. But I know my body isn’t ready. So although I’m disappointed, I’m going to be a stay at home mom for a while (by CHOICE, not because of cancer and covid like last year). I’m looking forward to the routine of the school year. Although it may not seem like a typical year to most teachers, it will be a return to normalcy in our lives that I crave.

Ben will start school next week, and the following week Ellie will start preschool 3 mornings a week. Which means.. I get 3 mornings a week to myself. 😁 So I will finally have some time for me to focus on me! To rest. To recover.

It makes me happy that I’ll be available as Ben starts kindergarten and Ellie starts preschool. And I’ll have some one-on-one time with Ellie, which I haven’t had much of since she was a baby. So I’m really looking forward to that too.

I read a quote a while back that really resonated with me.

Obviously my life hasn’t gone according to plan. Understatement of the year. But here I am, I can’t change the circumstances, but my priorities have shifted. I’m enjoying the sweet and silly little moments with Eric and the kids. I laugh more. Living in the moment has never been a strength of mine. Nothing like getting cancer in your 30s to help teach you how to live in the moment! Does that mean I’m thankful I got cancer so I could learn that??? 😂 Hell no.

But it does mean I’m going to try to live more fully. Be more present. Be more thankful for my wonderful husband and kids. Be more open to different life paths and find the joy along the way. ❤️

Last week we went up to Vermont to visit my family. It was exactly what I needed! Family, friends, delicious meals, beautiful sunsets, beach day, awesome playground, boat ride, s’mores, exploring, and plenty of tequila. 😋

It was not easy for me to do this trip. Packing for a week away, long car ride with cranky kids, being more active than I’m used to… it was a lot. I’m still recovering. Haha. But I’m SO glad we did it and I’m glad I was able to make the most if it!

Many thanks to my aunt and uncle for hosting us, and to my cousin for playing with the kids so much! There’s a saying about when you go away with little kids, how it’s not a vacation, it’s just a trip – still just as much work, just in a different location. Lol. But thanks to my family, I did feel like we were on vacation! Love you guys! ❤️